The higher you go, the (Avinash) Iyer you become

Sporting extravaganza

2005-10-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

Soccer in Germany, Tennis in France, cricket in the Carribean and England, and basketball at home. What to see? How to see? How to make sure not a single goal is missed, every single wicket seen, all slam dunks appreciated, and all those powerful Nadal backhands are cheered?

I am kinda handicapped by the fact that I do not have a TV here. A TV here costs less than cable charges, and in my opinion.. that is absolutely ridiculous. Spending about 40 bucks every month to get a few news channels and watch some crazy talk shows is not my idea of a wise investment, and if I want to watch all these aforementioned events, the cost would treble. Unless my co gives me an entertainment allowance, watching TV comes into the extravagance category.

But then, being a sports freak that I am, it is difficult to stay away from all these. Just checking the websites and reading reports is like drinking only one glass of beer. You are getting the drink, but not the kick. So, I resorted to M/s Page and Brin. Cricket live webcast, Cricket online telecast, World cup Soccer live, French open webcast, India West Indies Streaming blah blah were the phrases I lived with for almost 2 weeks. I visited umpteen forums, got bucketloads of links and downloaded so many applications, that my laptop started giving me electric shocks when I touched it at one point of time.

But, as they say, mehnat ka phal hamesha meetha hota hai. I got links to watch not only these sporting events, but also Hindi channels, English movie channels, Tamil movie channels, Friends, Tom and Jerry and some unwanted Chinese/Japanese/Korean/German/Spanish/Italian channels, which I don't watch often, but sometimes its fun to see something you dont understand. :). All this for free (of course, I have to pay my internet charges to M/s Warner)

Now for the clincher. Since there is no TV involved, there is no reason to "switch" between channels. Mr Gates and co ensured that their OS is capable of running multiple applications at the same time. M/s Warner dont care how much of data I use as long as I pay my 30 bucks a month, and therefore, I can simultaneously watch the different games, if the timings overlap. I can watch Didier Drogba's incisive runs into the goal with L.Sivaramakrishnan and Jeffrey Dujon talking about how Kumble is a great leg spinner. Or I can watch Federer hit a scorching forehand in one window and Beckham goofing up on yet another free kick in another. The image shows what I was watching this afternoon. I have now ensured that, unless I am in office, I do not have to miss any major sporting event happening in the world.

PS: BTW, yes, I am blogging after a long time. I have been plain lazy, and as usual, enthu/time never come together, and yes, I shall keep this page alive now.

Go Spurs Go!!!

2005-10-13T17:02:00.000-07:00

The first time I heard of this San Antonio, was in early 2004, when a friend of mine came to me with all enthu, told me that the Spurs had won the NBA. Now, I ain't a fan of NBA, or for that matter, any of the crazy Amru games. The only Spurs I knew, at that time, were a football club from Tottenham UK, and I was kinda confused as to why and how would they play the NBA and the EPL at the same time.

After further prodding, I gathered that the Spurs were a team from San Antonio in Texas, and they had recently started ascending great heights in the basketball world. So, I got to know about the term San Antonio Spurs. Now, I was more familiar with that term, so when my manager informed that I have to be at San Antonio, I could not make the connection. I thought I now not only knew one more place in the US, but the place was gonna become blessed enough to play host to me. Only when I got here, and I saw all the paraphernalia regarding the Spurs, did the nickel drop in.

In the office where I am, every alternate desk has a Spurs logo popping out. There have been instances of 3-4 official documents, where I have seen a footer saying "Go Spurs Go!!". So, all this has me in intrigue, and during my stay here, I have decided to go and watch a home game sometime, even if my understanding and knowledge of basketball doesn't go anymore than terms like slam-dunk, 3-pointer and pom-poms!! :)

Life here is okish. For the first time, I am left at the mercy of the elements and I have to take care of meself(and my room mate too, at times). It is an interesting experience, trying to decide what is going to be my next meal, and how bad its going to be. So far, I have made dal, sambar, deep fried potatoes and Rajma in the increasing order of favourable taste-bud reactions.

Food apart, I have had some irritating and good experiences, but it would take a long time to publish all of them here at one go. So let me use the next few blogs to go through all of them.

By the way, anyone care to explain this "tag" thingie to me?

Team India: The coach that ran into the captain

2005-09-18T10:25:00.000-07:00

The last time I blogged, was the last time the Indians played a reasonably good game of cricket. The Pakis were downed at the Eden Gardens, and I was generally pissed as I could not watch the winning moments. Since then, Indian cricket has gone spiralling down. If the bookies used to bet on an Indian win then, they are now afraid to bet on how low can the team go. Everytime I watch a game, I am convinced that Team India has touched rock-bottom, and things cannot go any worse than this. But to their credit, they keep re-defining levels of mediocrity after every passing game.

I won't comment on the big war happening between the coach and the captain, but the coach would sure want to eat his Chappal after the incident. I don't blame him though. He was after all having the team's improvement in his mind, but he never bargained on running into a loud and loose mouthed captain. Taking bold steps has never been an Indian trait, and it kinda reflects on foreigners associated with India too. Nevertheless, lets hope the seeds that have been sown over the last 1 week grow into a wonderful harvest, despite the woeful fertilizers(BCCI) and big-headed and useless remains of last years crop(You-know-who)

Marriage functions

2005-03-20T03:30:00.000-08:00

Today, Indians won a scintillating test match against the arch enemies Pakistan. I almost missed the victory courtesy a marriage function I had to attend. I tried to avoid the function, but for sentimental reasons I could not. This just goes on to prove that, as usual, the heavens were against me. The stars had to come into correct alignment for this couple just when there were far more important things for me to do.
Marriages are made in, they say. They are even scheduled by the heavens, and this heavenly scheduling is the only criterion(except in places like Chennai, where availability of a roof over the marriage altar is the primary criterion). In my opinion, on top of all this, there should be another factor that goes into this scheduling viz., consultation with the BCCI. This consultation should be done even before the priest comes into the picture. Therefore, the marriage date shall be fixed on a day when

1) There is no cricket match
2) The hall is available
3) The axis of the stars form the correct angle or waddever the heavenly criteria are.

in that order.

This ensures that events like marriages are more memorable for people like me. It also ensures that I can try enjoying the food rather than having the score as the uppermost thing in my mind.
Anyways, I made a quick exit as soon as formalities(read lunch) were over and just about made it back to see the last coupla wickets falling.

Gubernatorial mathematics

2005-03-04T04:27:00.000-08:00

If there are 3 cows, and 2 of them are allied with each other, the third represents the majority!

This is a basic axiom of what I call Gubernatorial Mathematics.

It is generally well-known that most of the politicians in India are illiterate. I have often wondered how these apparently illiterate people become very learned, when it comes to calculating number of seats required for a majority.

Now, these politicians have to make sure that they "don't" get the majority. It calls for a thorough understanding the gubernatorial math. With that as a base, parties have to ensure that they finish second, and have an alliance with the Congress(not for the numbers, but for the clout of Congresspeople over Raj Bhavan occupants).

Kids aspiring to become politicians one day, could well be trained in this new branch of mathematics as a tool for realization of their aspirations.

Saare Jahaan se Achcha
Ganitshaastra hamara!! :P

2005-03-02T21:13:00.000-08:00

Ever since young Mohammed Kaif got into the Indian team, fitness levels rose up big time. The whole team has upped its fitness by several notches. Since then, in tribute to Kaif's contribution, the team anthem became:

Kaif boy hai jahan, tandurusti hai wahan!! KAIF BOYYYY!!!!

Sprite's new ad: Model says "Ye dil maange more!!!". Immediately Maneka Gandhi comes in along with the police and arrests the model. "Peacock is our national bird and its endangered too, so you are under arrest for demanding a peacock for a drink!!!"
Dikhave pe mat Jao, apni Akal lagao!!

Anu Malik endorsing Sprite: Original pe mat jao, apni nakal lagao!!

Dude with his girlfriend in the middle of some really deep forest. Things get romantic, and dude and dudette about to share an intimate moment, when his phone starts ringing. Voice heard "Sir, I am from Townbank, do you want to avail of home loan??". Cut to dude and dudette stranded in a remote island. Again they are about to share an intimate moment when phone rings: "Sir, we have this great offer of a free for life credit card, are you interested??"
In the background: Wherever you go, our network follows!!

Baaki.. break ke baad!!

Budget 2005

2005-03-02T05:59:00.000-08:00

PC presented his second Budget of this century. There are some really cool implications of some of his policies:

A customer will think twice before entering a bank to get shelter from rain, he may have to pay tax for that.
A new short-cut to be provided for the figure 9900 in ATM's.
ATM's will always be crowded around midnight. The same person will be seen entering the ATM either side of midnight.
An employee may have to be careful before sending a peon for an errand. Benefits and Service tax may be charged.
After indulging in lots of physical activities during a company sponsored picnic, an employee will be right in more ways than one when he says that the day was "taxing".
Reimbursement may just remain a word in the dictionary, maybe it could be the first word to disppear altogether!!

Any other implications?? Please lemme know!!

What is worse?? Hydrochloric Acid or HCL??

2004-11-22T23:38:00.000-08:00

3 weeks since I have stepped into HCL Tech. One thing I realised here is that the name for the company, HCL, is very appropriate mainly because, considering what I have gone through so far, I am sure employees suffer a quick burnout.

Let me give you a brief synopsis of my day here:
Between 8a.m and 9:30 am
1) Wake up
2) Call taxi
3) Have breakfast
4) Embark on journey to Tidel Park

9:30 am to 1:00pm
1) Go to training room
2) Check if comp is booting up (it doesn't)
3) Search for technician (he is never there)
4) Go to library
5) Use comp there.. (Check mails, score, news, score, mails: Infact i can give u the correct co-ordinates of the refresh folder list link in our webmail client)
6) If enthu.exists(true), then go through the HCL Intranet (Sometimes there is something interesting there, in a forum called Masala Board)
7) Go to food court.

1:00pm to 5:30pm
For points 1-6 please refer to the points 1-6 in the 9:30pm to 1:00pm section
7) Call cab.
8) Head home

I am sure, the HCL at the base of my esophagus has more fun than I have in HCL!! :(

Aptronym

2004-11-08T00:37:00.000-08:00

Aptronym is a word coined by Anu Garg (of Wordsmith fame). The definition given for
Aptronym is:

aptronym (AP-troh-NIM) noun
A name that is especially suited to the profession of its owner.

When I first came across this word, my first thought was that perhaps there would be very very few aptronyms around. But after reading one of Anu Garg's newsletters, I was simply astounded. Sample this:
A hair specialist called Dan Druff
A dentist called Dr. Tuthaker
Urologist named Dr Richard(Dick) Tapper
A company making belts called A.Buckle and Co
An optometrist called Dr Steven I. Ball
Tennis star called Margaret Court
Poet named William Wordsworth
A footballer called Jim Kiick
and lots more.....

Infact, medical librarians have come up with a list of medical Aptronyms (http://educ.ahsl.arizona.edu/mla/doctor.htm).

Lets give this concept a fresh twist, and consider inaptronyms, where the name of the person is the exact opposite of what he/she does, e.g ophthalmologist called Dr Blinder.
Lets further consider famous names closer to home, and you would be surprised to see how many such names turn up.

A sometimes indecisive non-bihari Atal Behari Vajpayee
A painfully slow batsman called Sanjay Bangar(read Banger)
A person who tried in vain to obtain one of the country's more powerful posts Sharad Pawar
The not-so-sweet Rabri Devi
The not-so-tender Phoolan Devi
The anything but soft Mulayam Singh
and this last one takes the cake (note, South Indians would understand it better!!)
Sharmila(read Sharam illa) Tagore as censor Board Chief!!!! :)

If you guys come up with some more do share it with me!! :)

Mess it like Beckham

2004-06-24T22:25:00.000-07:00

Beck... Ahem!!

11th October 2003: England v/s Turkey @ Istanbul, Turkey: Late in the first half, one Mr David Beckham, renowned spot kick specialist from anywhere on the ground, decided to take a spot-kick from 15 yards. Rustu Recber, the Turkish goalie, perhaps knew of Beckham's reputation, and was wondering how he is gonna stop the ball slamming into the net. Beckham advances, slips, and hits the ball so wonderfully, even Tiger Woods may not have managed that with his 9-iron. The ball is stopped by a spectator 10 rows behind, and a goal averted.

13th June 2004: England v/s France @ Lisbon, Portugal: Mid-way through the second half, Beckham's former MU team-mate, Mikael Silvestre, brings down Paul Scholes in the area. Responsible captain that Beckham is, not forgetting that he is also a spot kick specialist, he decides to take the penalty. Beckham advances, shoots the ball on target, ball moves freely in the direction of the kick. But unfortunately, so does one pathetic French player wearing the number 1 T-shirt. Soon, the co-ordinates of the ball and this player coincide , and Beckham fails once again.

24th June 2004: England v/s Portugal @ Lisbon, Portugal: 120 minutes of the game over, both the teams tied at 2-2. Its all down to a series of spot kicks(lets not forget, it is Beckham's specialty). England win the toss, and they have a go first. The responsible captain, yet again, leads from the front. He advances, slips and this time matches Tiger Woods' 9-iron. The goalkeeper wouldnt have had to move a centimeter even if he were standing on top of the goal, coz it was out of his reach. Such is the expertise of our glamourous spot kick specialist.

A la Star Sports and Wimbledon, I am almost tempted to say, another Golden Moment from David Beckham.... for the opponents at least!!! :)

--Avi

2004-06-10T22:54:00.000-07:00

The Olympic Fire

What connects the following individuals?
Norman Pritchard, Kasba Jadhav, Leander Paes, Vasudevan Bhaskaran and a whole host of hockey players, other than the fact that all these individuals have won medals for India at the Olympics?
What connects Milkha Singh, P.T Usha, Gurbachan Singh Randhawa and many other such names other than the fact that these individuals have given India glory in the world of sport?

Unfortunately, the connection is something really shameful. When the Olympic torch visited India after 40 long years, none of these people were given the honour of carrying the torch. Yes, there were a few sportspersons, who did carry it; but then there were the Bipasha Basu's, the Aamir Khan's, the Aishwarya Rai's, the Vivek Oberoi's who also managed to get their hands onto the sacred torch.

What a shame!

India is a country, which, for most of the last century, had the best hockey team in the world. It also had a moderately successful cricket team and that's about it. Glory in any other sport was unheard of. Hence, when the P.T Ushas and Milkha Singhs managed to put a small dot representing India on the world map of athletics, sports aficionados like me assumed that the country would be proud, and indebted to these people forever. But then, sadly, nobody cared. The whole opportunity that we got when the torch came here went abegging. Filmstars, who aren't worth anything got to carry the torch.

Tomorrow, I am looking at a scenario, where in the 2010 Commonwealth Games, we will have an Amitabh Bachcham administer the players oath. An Aishwarya Rai to light the torch, a Kareena Kapoor to receive medals on behalf of athletes, an Isha Koppikar to perform an item number during the opening ceremony, a Mallika Sherawat carrying the country's flag in the parade( and maybe kissing players in the process.. who knows).

What a shame!!

Why couldn't the ministry insist on using this torch as a platform to re-live the great Indian Hockey magic of the 30s,40s,50s,60s? Why couldn't they have searched for some descendant of Norman Pritchard or Kasba Jadhav and commemorated them? Why couldn't they have Dhyanchand or Milkha Singh inspire young sportsmen of the country? Why??

Small wonder then that India produces fewer noteworthy sportsmen than the atomic country of Surinam. Why would somebody want spend his/her life devoted to bring laurels to the country, when the country least cares about it? Small wonder that eminent sportspersons reject the big joke called the Arjuna award. When every sportsman big and small gets one anyway, then why should people bother about performing?

Its a terrible,terrible shame!!

2004-05-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

L'India Italiana

Amici!!!

We are all proudo to be the subjecto of Sonia Maino
La Signora is mino breado-buttero and annadhatao
To please her I shall learno to parlete la Italiano
I shall change my dieto to pizza and cappucino

Bihar and UP will be our principalo syndicato
Delhi and Bombay will change to Roma and Milano
East Bengal will play Serie A as Bengalo Italiano
and the Men in Blue will be known as the Uomini in Azzurro

So Amici, whether tum mano ya na mano
India will become another Italiano
Asian member of the European Uniono
I bow down to this great Internazionale Integrationo!!

I nostri distinti saluti,
Avinasho Iyerini

2004-05-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

Guess whats Special

Hi guys, I am back.... I never went anywhere, was only trying to search for a suitable posting... In this post, there is something special... Jo guess Karegaa... usko Apun Baadshah ka post dega!! Kya??

For the last few days, I was constantly under the Fear of posting something dull, then like a Gambler, I decided to post this. After all The heart is Indian, not Foreign, and though Somethings happen, when u are Walking , This heart gets crazy and From the heart ideas start pouring out. These ideas may somehow force u into periods that are Sometimes sorrowful and sometimes happy, and in the background of a Crazy society that i live in, it triggers off the Loves that I have for writing, and if writing were a bride, The big-hearted(me) would go away with her!

The Enthusiasm hence generated, should not be stemmed with hesitant feelings like Sometimes Yes, sometimes no, and no procrastination should happen.. for, who knows, Tomorrow may never Come. The Result should be a nice creative piece of writing, as creative as the archery prowess of 2 Mahabharata heroes, or the war strategies of a Buddhism converted emperor, or perhaps the emotions generated by a scorned Lover.

The reader should then be able to experience the Magic that happens on reading, the Circus of emotions that courses through the mind, and say "Yes Boss! It felt good reading this piece".... and When the writer is looking for admirers, each reader must be able to say, "I am there no"!!! :)

So... thats the blog for today... what do u think is special about it??? Hints are peppered all over the 2 paragraphs!! :)

--Avi

2004-04-23T03:26:00.000-07:00

Golmaal:A Masterpiece

Some of the best movies to come out of the Hindi movie industry are comedies. It was a practically unknown genre in the 50's and 60's where comedy was probably part of the movie, rather than being the core of the movie. Hence we had some great comedians like Johnny Walker, Bhagwan etc., whose role was to provide lighter moments in otherwise dull emotional dramas. There were exceptions though, in the form of Kishore Kumar movies, like Chalti ka naam Gaadi, but, that was once in a while.

Later, the industry realised that comedy was heavily saleable. So full time comedies made an entry. I can't really recollect which was the first full blown haasya chal chitra... but there are quite a few: Golmaal, Chupke Chupke, Bhooth Bangla, and lots others.

Among the comedy movies, Golmaal stands out as one of the most amazingly funny movies ever seen. Simply put,its hilarious. Amol Palekar(Ram Prasad Sharma) is a happy-go-lucky and intelligent chap who, for getting a good job, has to shed his natural attitude and become a serious person. All this to impress his boss, Utpal Dutt(Bhavani Shankar). When Utpal Dutt sights him at a hockey stadium, Palekar has to manufacture a non-existent judvaa bhai(Laxman Prasad Sharma alias Lucky) and the movie takes unexpected twists and turns as Amol Palekar, in both of his Avatars, run into Utpal Dutt. We have a fictitious mother who comes in to further complicate matters. All in all a complete comedy with some unforgettable dialogues. Sample this:

1) Utpal Dutt (UD): (taking an interview): Pele ke baare mein kuch keh sakte hain aap??
Amol Palekar (AP): Jee haan sir! Per capita income of the backward tribes of Maharashtra par unki tippani bahut prashansaneeya thi!!!!
UD: Aap kiski baat kar rahe hain??
AP: Profesor Rele Sir, Mashoor Arthashaastragn!!!
UD: Arrey.. mein Pele ki baat kar raha hoon... mashoor football player Pele! P-E-L-E Pele
AP: Haan kuch din pehle ye zaroor suna tha ki kuch hazaar paagal unke darshan ke liye Calcutta airport pahunch gaye the.....
(AP has to prove that he is a serious chap with no interest in anything else accept his education and work)

2) UD (to his daughter Bindiya Goswami(BG): Tumhaari shaadi usse nahi hogi jisse tum pyaar karti ho balki usse hogi jisse mein pyaar karta hoon.
(UD says she willmarry Lucky and no one else)

3) AP (after his interview and the sacrifices he has to make to please UD): Log tho apne pair par kulhaadi maarte hain.. maine tho kulhaadi par hi pair maar diya!!!

4) Dina Pathak(DP)(She acts as the fake mom)(to UD): Hamaare khandaan mein sab judve hain, Meri maan aur unki behan: Ganga Rani, Jamuna Raani; Mein aur meri behan:Kamla aur Vimla:aur mere behan ke bete; Ram PRasad, Laxman Prasad.
(All this crap invented on the fly without blinking an eye!!)

Usually there is a tendency of comedy movie to peter out and become dull at the end. But Hrihshikeshda had other ideas. The police station scene where Om Prakash thinks Utpal Dutt is a known sumggler(Pascal D'Souza) and later apologises him and compares ther likenesses with that of judvaa bhais was a brilliant touch.

The movie has some good songs, beginning with the title song, that sets the tone. Aanewala Pal is a master piece, a must hear!!

For all those ppl who haven't watched this movie, please do!! I promise u, u wont regret it!!

--Avi

2004-04-19T02:03:00.000-07:00

I am back!!!

Sorry, folks, for the longish delay
Its not as if I had nothing to say
But the profession kept me at bay
due to which there was no other way
than to put a check on my blogging foray

But today there is a ray
for I have a jobless day
so I can make a lot of hay
by utilizing the matter that is grey
while the going is gay

My blog has worn a blank look
not unlike an unfinished book
but now, every corner and nook
by hook or by crook
will be filled by something I cook

So, folks, keep visiting my page for more
open will always be its door
it would be anything but a bore
for humour would form the core
for any posting hencefour!!

--Avi

2004-04-05T07:42:00.000-07:00

Dialogues and Muhavras... Contd...

I was given a blasting for using American English and not the queen's English for this blog. So, in order to avoid one more blasting, I resort to Queen's english for the next edition!!

Muhavra/Dialogue 11: Milk's milk;Water's water : Imagine a situation where Prince Charles complains to the Queen that he suspects Diana of being unfaithful. He may claim that he is gonna hire a sleuth so that it becomes Milk's milk and Water's Water!!! Makes perfect sense nahi??? :)
Hindi Equivalent: Doodh ka doodh;Paani ka Paani

Muhavra/Dialogue 12: I have caught you with colorful hands When Charles eventually sees her with another guy, he confronts her and mentions about these colorful hands. :).. He also would then go on to say Dialogue 13.
Hindi equivalent: Maine tumhe range haathon pakad liyaa

Muhavra/Dialogue 13: I will make your living illegitimate: This, he would say as soon as the triumph(while uttering dialogue 12) in his eyes is replaced by anger... "since your affair is illegitimate, I may as well make your life illegitimate!!!"
Hindi equivalent: Main tumhara jeena haraam kar doonga!!!

Muhavra/Dialogue 14: I want to read-write and become a big man. I want to stand above my own legs: Stepping outside the British royalty's realm, this is a dialogue uttered by most heroes once they are outta college, or just had a fight with their fathers and have gone to their mother for consolation. Any guesses for the Hindi equivalent? U will get a specially autographed copy of "Learn Hindi in 21 days" by Salim Bhasha!!! :)

Muhavra/Dialogue 15:In far village, when child cries at night, then mother says, sleep, sleep son, or else chatterer will come : The movie sholay, is known for not just the story line and performances, but for some brilliant dialogues as well. It was a trend setter, as far as dialogues go... its dialogues have been adapted in many many movies, For example, take Andaz Apna Apna..... Aamir Khan to Shakti Kapoor..... "Meri maan kahaa karti thi.... ki Amar bete, so ja.... warna Gogo aa jaayegaa!!!".. Watch the movie if u haven't.. its a classic!
Hindi equivalent: Door kisi gaon mein, jab bachcha raat ko rotha hai.. to uski maan kehti hai,,, so ja bete so ja... warna Gab-ber aa jayegaa

Muhavra/Dialogue 16:That day when your hands will be yellow, on that day I will take D'Cold: A marriage is usually an event in Hindi movies which showcases a mix of all emotions, and this is one such senti dialogue which shows how desperate a father/brother is to get his daughter/sister married.
Hindi Equivalent: Jis din tere haath peele ho jaayen, main chain ki saans loonga!

Muhavra/Dialogue 17:Its the question of the sinful stomach: One of the main reasons why I sit and code and not keep writing blogs for the rest of my life..... the question of my amazingly sinful and huuge tummy!! For anyone guessing the Hindi equivalent: A free uncensored DVD of the movie Paap(with some clips from the movie Jism as well) personally autographed by John Abraham!!

Muhavra/Dialogue 18:Whose stick, his buffalo Theres a very entertaining Shammi Kapoor song, one of those rare ones that hv been sung by Manna Dey fr him... It goes "Mere Bhains ko danda kyon maara"... Shammi Kapoor dint know that about this saying, that is why he probably sang a whole song questioning why his bufallo was sticked!!! :)
Hindi Equivalent: Jiski Laathi uski Bhains!!!

Muhavra/Dialogue 19:One robbery, then an aggressive chest?: For guessing the Hindi equivalent of this, you will get a fellowship at the School of the 7 bells at Bogota, Colombia!!

Muhavra/Dialogue 20:Inverted thief, scolds the policeman: This is a very popular proverb in Hindi... I hv distorted it quite a bit, and the meaning isnt quite the same in English, but thats what happens with verbatim translation!! :)
Hindi Equivalent: Ulta Chor Kotwal ko daante!! :)

Thats it for today... sorry for all the errata in the previous blog.. and yes, I am serious abt all the prizes I have mentioned in this blog.... so go ahead and crack its!!!! :)

--Avi

2004-04-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

Muhavraas and cliched dialogs: An English analysis

Proverbs (or Muhavras, in Hindi) are something that is popularly used in movies by the dialog writers to lend force to the situation of that moment. The usage has been so heavy now, that along with popular Hindi dialogues, many of these proverbs are clichéd big time. Me and a pal of mine, Vinod, spent the whole day researching into these proverbs, and the results of translating these to English was really amusing. My next few posts would be results of this research!!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 1: We are the contents of the same plate : This is used to indicate if 2 persons/ beings are very similar, either by looks/mindsets etc etc… :)
The Hindi original??? Hum sab ek hi thaali ke chatte-bhatte hain!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 2: The plate from which you eat, you also hole the same: This is used to indicate that a person not only takes advantage of somebody’s goodness, but also destroy’s that person in some way….
The Hindi equivalent?? Tum jis thaali se khaate ho, usi me chchedh karte ho!!

Muhavra/Dialog 3: Boss/Master, I have eaten your salt: This dialog was immortalized in the movie Sholay. The retort to this dialog is also equally famous:”Now eat tablet!!!”.
The Hindi equivalent??? Sarkar, maine aapka namak khaaya hai!! Ab goli kha!!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 4: Dog, vermin!! I shall drink your blood: This is of course immortalized by our very own Dharam paaji… His son carries the rich tradition of this canine platelet consumption by *ing in stereotyped 1-hero-bashes-100-villains roles!!
Hindi equivalent??? Kutte, kamine, main tera khooooon pee jaoonga!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 5: I will choose-choose and kill one-by-one: This too has been immortalized by Dharam paaji and Sholay…
Hindi equivalent?? Eke k ko chun-chun ke maaroonga!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 6: Get out of my vision!! I will not give broken penny from my account: This is the most oft said dialog by an irked dad on his son. Dad could be irked for lots of reasons, mainly the son loving someone dad doesn’t approve of. But I am sure this dialog would be there at least once in 4 out of every 5 movies.
Hindi Equivalent?? Door ho jao meri nazron se, main tumhein ek phooti kaudi bhi nahi doonga!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 7: In our house, Laxmi has entered in the form of daughter-in-law: Need I say more….. clichéd to the core!!!
Hindi equivalent??? Laxmi hamaare ghar bahoo ke roop mein aaa gayin hai.

Muhavra/Dialog 7: Launderer’s canine, neither of house, nor of workplace: This is a proverb used to indicate someone of mixed/unknown origin(I think, aint so sure).
Hindi equivalent?? Dhobhi ka kutta, na ghar kaa, na ghaat ka!!!

Muhavra/Dialog 8 : For the one who lives above, there is delay, but not darkness : Used to indicate that one should never give up hope, another standard dialog for anyone in an elderly role.
Hindi equivalent?? Uparvale ke ghar der hai.. andher nahi!!

Muhavra/Dialog 9 : When the one above gives, he tears of the roof and gives: This is a dialog that usually comes at the end of a movie, usually uttered by the gentleman/lady who uttered the Dialog 8!!!
Hindi equivalent?? Uparvaala jab deta hai, chappar phaadke deta hai!!!

And finally, the mother of all clichés to round up today’s installment
Muhavra/Dialog 10 : Keeping in mind all witnesses and proofs, in accordance wirh Article 302 of the Indian Constitution, the court sentences the criminal to life imprisonment: Need I say anything? Any person who aspires to act as a judge in a Hindi movie, is expected say this dialogue even in his sleep!!:)
Hindi equivalent?? Saare gavahon aur sabooton ko madd-e-nazar rakhte hue,adaalat, taazi-raat-e-hind dafa 302 ke antargat,qaidi ko umr qaid ki sazaa sunaati hai

More to follow in my next post!! If readers want any proverbs/famous dialogs translated, please leave a note!! :)

--Avi

2004-04-01T03:43:00.000-08:00

The first test: A Pakistani perspective

After the rather easy win in the 1st test, the Indians have taught the cricketing fraternity quite a few lessons, especially the fraternity belonging to the other side of the border.
The PAkis could do well to take some lessons from this game. Here are a list of 7 commandments, which should hopefully help them:

1) Thou shalt not play "gracious host". Thou shalt only play cricket: It is all fine when it comes to socio-political situations, but in a cricket arena graciousness should be left thrashed. The stadium is a battle-field, nothing more.. nothing less.

2) Thou shalt not take the "India Shining" Campaign too seriously: Don't take the Feel Good slogan to heart. It is just a gimmick by the ruling party and is a way of garnering votes. It does not mean that you should help India shine. You are under no obligation to do that for the Indian politicians.

3) Thou shalt not behave like good neighbors : You have never been good neighbors, please dont change yourselves in a cricket field of all places in the world.

4) Thou shalt not get intimidated by Sehwag, or his Maa for that matter : Sehwag is just another Indian batsman with probably 2-3 shots more in his kitty than the others. Lay the bait on him, feed him with hittable balls. He will surely get out. Take lessons from Fleming, if you can.

5) Thou shalt take the catches that come your way : Need I elaborate on this? Ek catch dropped.. fine, 2, okk... but 6?? You are talented cricketers dudes..... remember that.

6) Thou shalt not give Kumble more respect than he deserves : Just because Jayaprakash gave him 10 wickets, doesnt mean he will repeat it every test. Put him in his place, and the rest will follow.

And lastly
7) Thou shalt no get bogged down by the names in the Indian lineup : Cricket is as much a mental game as it is physical. The Indian batting does boast of really big and talented names. But remember, they are all human. You have the bowlers to give them trouble, so please do so!

The first test is like your first board exam. It sets the tone for the rest of the exams. The tougher person shall rise after a bad start, and the complacent person shall falter after a good start. So each team should decide the course to take, and hope we have a great humdinger of a test series.

--Avi

2004-03-30T08:19:00.000-08:00

Sachin Tendulkar

After that rather.... depressing.. post, and the rather longish hiatus.. its me back again with more of my stuff.

Lots have been happening, like, Sehwag scoring a triple ton, his mom saying that his fiancee is responsible for it. But whatever, whoever says.... Sehwag is Sehwag... apna Veeru ....and may he entertain non-cricket purists and cricket purists alike for years to come.

What fortunately dint materialise since yesterday's proceedings was Dee war between the Wall Fans and Sachin fans. Team interests and all fine, but it would take a really brave heart to declare when Sachin was just 6 runs away from a silent and overshadowed double century. I, for one, was really surprised to see it. Team India etc fine, but c'mon man... for the great man's sake, keeping in mind his immense contribution to the game, and also considering the fact that he was at worst a coupla overs from the 200 they shoulda played on. Wonder what went on behind the scenes between the acting captain, captain and the coach.

Which brings me to a relevant point.... Are we seeing the beginning of the decline of Sachin Tendulkar? Is there enough signs to prove so? Does he actually not contribute in crunch games?

Lemme try answering these qs one-by-one.
1) No, Sachin is not declining. In my opinion, he is undergoing the transition from being the mainstay to being one more contributor. Team India has progressed to a stage, where he is one more world class batsman in the team, and his failure will not affect the general performance. It does probably take sometime to adapt to a less pressure role from a high pressure role. Imagine an armyman who has come home after being relieved of duties on the field during war. He will take sometime to adapt to the society. I think thats precisely what is happening to Sachin.

2) Well, look at the world Cup, the Aus-NZ triseries and the early stages of the VB series, and look at his test record of 2004 and that is sufficient to prove that there are no signs to prove that he is declining. He is adjusting to his new role wonderfully well, and I am sure he is gonna serve us effectively for at least 4 more years. He had a rotten test performance in 2003, and mebbe in 2002 too(by his usual standards) agreed, and I am sure he has decided to compensate for both the years this year! We have series against Aussies and South Africans later this year, and I am sure he will shine and remove any doubts in any skeptics mind.

3) This is perhaps the biggest bullshit. Unfortunately, statistics seem to support this statement. But, as Sidhu says, statistics are like miniskirts, they hide more than they reveal. :) In international cricket, every game is a crunch game. And when Sachin gets out, it becomes crunchier, and tends to stay in the memory for long. In a multi-nation tournament(like the World cup), every game is a must-win game, if you have to reach the finals. Unfortunately, when he gets out in finals, the fact that we are in the finals because of this great man is immediately forgotten. If the skeptics are ok with him failing in other games and playing well only in finals, then he wont hv any games left to play well, coz usually, he is single handedly responsible for getting the team into the finals. Why do people forget this? What harm has he done to all these skeptics?

So ppl wake up, and acknowledge the contributions of this great guy towards the game of cricket and towards the Indian team's fortunes. Please dont wait with brickbats everytime he returns to the pavilion. May he bring more accolades to the Indian team and may India shine!! :)

--Avi

2004-03-26T08:12:00.000-08:00

Depression se ladaai

Turning on the funny bone when the mind is depressed is very difficult. But humour is a great medicine to cure depression, and above all its free too. But, there is no such thing as a free lunch. The catch is, the humour cannot come from within the self. So you would have to go looking for that person, who can come with some witty humour. But when u r all lonely and stuff, when you dont know, when and where from you are gonna see the next human, it is difficult not to stay depressed. Pretty complicated huh??

Well, I guess I would explore the depths of my mind to come up with something which can remove my depression. It shouldn't be too difficult for a guy like me, who has humour overflowing from within(according to ppl). But then, Mr Depression has a rather curious and somewhat effective way of suppressing non-serious emotions, and I would try my best to fight him with the will to remain unconquered.

Usually, if I am depressed, ppl who are near and dear to me get affected too... I guess depression is contagious, spreads through wired and wireless mediums. That could be a cool technological breakthrough, or mebbe a technological catastrophe. Viruses only affect the computer, but a disease that can affect the user, is something terrible. Scientists could well take note of this phenomenon and move into overdrive to find a remedy. But wrking overdrive is probably a chief cause for depression, so here we would hv a classic situation where a researcher falls prey to the exact disease he is trying to cure. Becomes very filmi..... but then, films are after a portrayal of reality, right?

So, it is best to find the remedy for this from within the self. One very good way, something that I follow, is that I hv a folder in my mail client labelled jokes. I started browsing through it (I hv jokes accumulated for the past 2 years, at the rate of at least 15-20 jokes a day) from bottom up. Trust me, it works wonderfully. Somewhere after reading 15-20 jokes, I forgot what I was depressed about. Another 10 jokes, I started laughing and another 5 jokes i was ROTFL(Rolling On The Floor Laughing, for the ignorant). When you are in this kinda mood, you are reminded of the reason for depression, and more often than not, u end up questioning if that reason really deserved the onset of Mr Depression. The moment a question like this pops out, you are cured!!

Of course, sometimes the reason can be a bit more profound, and the question may not pop out. Even the jokes folder wont help. Then I would suggest that you break the loneliness, and go find some engaging company, someone whose presence/voice is really soothing to the senses. Or listen to some good music or better, watch a cricket match!!! :) A cricket match like the Karachi one will give rise to so many other emotions that Mr Depression has no choice but to wait for another opportunity to invade. Watch a re-run and see the effects! :)

All people who read this and adopt some of these methods to fight depression, do let me know if it is effective. Maybe its time I consider a career change!! ;)

--Avi

P.S: If u thought I was depressed, forget it. There is nothing in life that can drive me to so much despair that I hv to follow these steps. :). This is just an attempt to write a somewhat serious blog!!

2004-03-25T08:04:00.000-08:00

Bhai ka commentary

Ae shahne.... kya jhakkas victory tha re baap.... Apun ki tho life ban gayi re mamu... chal aa tereko mein jaadu ki chappi deta hoon!!!

India kya kheli re baap... Laxman tho, by God, kaisa kachumbar banaaya Shoaib Akhtar ka... Koi tainshun nahi.... bas idhar ek chakka tho udhar ek chauka... Aur ye Balaji... saala Tirupati se direct Pakistan pahunch gayelaa hai asisaeech lagta hai... kaisa god ke maafik batting.. god bole tho.. apun ka Sachin... Oye tendlya kya catch pakdaa re... apun tho fidaa ho gayelaa hai tere catch pe.... tu tho sachchi apun sab ka God hai..

Aur woh Irfan.... ae baap.. kya bowler hai... kya inswing karta hai re mamu... apun ka tho dil aa gayelaa uske oopar.... agar aisaeech bowling karegaa tho woh tho saala uska record phod daalega... bole tho... waseem Akram... haan.. Waseem Akram ka record phod dalegaa...

Apun ke team ka woh fighting spirit hai na... arrey woheech... sab ek saath milke shoulder pe haath rakhkhe jump maarta hai na.... haan huddal......bilkul jhakkas hai baap.. aisaeech unity apun ke country mein hone ko maangta... phir koi terrorist werrorist apun ke country mein kuch karne ko nahi sakta... apun jaise bhai to kuch bhi nahi hai re baap!!

Chal bhidu, sunday se apun test match dekhegaa... kya? test match.. arrey woheech yaar.. jo paanch din mein safeed kapde pehen ke khelte hain.... chal tab tak thoda hafta collect kar be shahnee.. kharcha paani chahiye ki nahi!!!

--Avi

2004-03-23T05:16:00.000-08:00

Maggi Preparation: A Scientific Art

If there were a Nobel Prize for the food industry, I am sure Maggi Noodles would have won it pants down. It is perhaps the world's most underrated product. Underrated because, people take it for granted. Women tend to think that it is nothing more than heating water, but they fail to understand the nuances of Maggi-making(but then, girls are dumb anywayz, so they could be excused for not understanding). So, for all those women, here is a detailed process:

1) Fill the exact amount of water. Too little would lead to undercooking, too much will make it soggy.. so it is necessary to get the right amt of water... it should be precise Precisement as M.Hercule Poirot would say.

2) Set the burner to slightly higher than medium: This makes sure that cooking happens and at the same time, the underside doest get burnt, in case you are late to switch it off.

3) Put the masala in just when the water starts bubbling: Too early, it would get settled at the bottom. Too late, it may deposit on the walls of the vessel. Either way, you cannot utilize 100% of the masala. So it has to be introduced exactly at the right time.

4) Break the Maggi block into small pieces: Putting the whole block invariably leads to under cooking and wastage of gas. So when the water is boiling and it attains the color of the masala, put these pieces in.

5) Put it off at the correct time: I prefer my Maggi to be a bit wet, not altogether dry, so I would switch it off a few seconds before all the water is drained out. But for dry Maggi loving ppl, be careful, u need to turn off the burner before the bottom starts getting charred!!!

Somewhere around step (3) , try putting some oregano seasoning(that comes with Pizza), it tastes really great! And for the Gult ppl, add the chilli flakes too, a combination of chilli flakes entered in step(3) and a little butter(to be entered between steps (4) and (5)) is absolute heaven.

So for all people taking Maggi making for granted, are u willing to change your minds now????

--Avi

2004-03-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

Rabri or Jalebi

The whole weekend went in attending a series of GD sessions and general info on B-schools of India. Of course it had the perfect finish, when Kaif hit the ball to covers to complete the coolest victory for India in this series!!

Talking about GD's, I ralised that there are so many kinds of them. Some are the topical ones, some are case studies. There is one more category called the abstract GD. Topics like, women are dumber managers than men; Money is sweeter than honey, etc etc!!! These topics are fun to discuss, and are usually used to find out how in how many ways can 1 person interpret and discuss this topic.

One such topic I got was "Rabri or Jalebi". Me being me, could find about an infinite useless and thoroughly entertaining ways of discusing this topic, and freaked out. Below is an outline of what I made the group discuss:

-- If required to start a business, what would be more profitable? Rabri or Jalebi? Rightfully, this should hv been the primary topic discussed, and I started off this discussion, but sadly, the group had started indulging in a totally MBAish discussion of this angle, and I decided this topic is too juicy for a dull MBAish discussion, so started throwing in random ideas!

-- Make a movie called Rabri or Jalebi, about Bihar's chief minister and her husband's illegitimate daughter. Who will be the next Chief minister??!!!

-- Start a multinational brand XYZ Juicy Jalebi's, or ABC Milky Rabris.. and to cater to the international market, keeping calorie conscious customers in mind, start selling diet Jalebis, low calorie rabri, fatless jalebis... etc etc!!!

-- With elections round the corner, we could start 2 new parties in Bihar, with one of them, named Rabri, having Jalebi as the election symbol. The other, named Jalebi, having the rabri as the election symbol. Campaign slogan for these 2 parties, the sweetest parties in town!

-- There is a saying in Hindi, rather a phrase for crooked people, which goes "Jalebi jaisa seedha". So there was a consensus in the group that the great Rabri Devi is being controlled by an unnamed guy who is as Seedha as a Jalebi.!!

As you could guess, all these ideas together reduced the GD to a Jammish atmosphere, and the moderator had to jump in and shout out the most often repeated/cliched dialogue in Hindi movies. often said with a hammer in the speaker's hands "Order, Order" ( I almost asked him if he wished to order Jalebi or Rabri, but decided against it!! ;) )

--Avi

2004-03-19T03:08:00.000-08:00

Hum Runs De Chuke Sanam

The state of Indian cricket nowadays is really sad. No bowling of any substance. They can as well pack 11 batsman and make the opposition chase 400 everytime.
Nevertheless, while watching Zaheer and Co bowling at Yasser Hameed and Inzy today, the KK song from Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam came into my head from nowhere. With modified lyrics, I present the song, which could probably be a song that plays in a bowlers mind everytime

Tadap tadap ke is haath se
Gendh nikalti rahi
Mujhko sazaa di loose ball ki
Aisa kya gunaah kiya
ke pit gaye, haan pit gaye
Ke pit gaye hum wicket lene ki koshish mein

Ajab hai cricket yaara aaaa aaaaaa...
pal do pal ki khushiyan aaan aan aan....
Physique mujhe deke bowler ka
talentless kyon banaaya

Kabhi no-ball, kabhi chakke, phir no ball, aur chouke, mujhe naani yaad aaye
mujhe naani yaad aaye, phir batsman six maare, mera man ghabraaye
mera man ghabraaye, phir naani yaad aaye, kabhi chakke kabhi chouke

machal machal ke is haath se
ball nikalti rahi
mujhko sazaa di loose ball ki...............

and so on....

There would be an equivalent song for the opposition batting too.,.,.. but that is for another day!! :)

--Avi

2004-03-15T07:43:00.000-08:00

Karachi One Dayer

The 13th of March 2004 would well go down in history as probably one of those great days in the Wisden's cricketing calendar. I have seen all sorts of adjectives describing the Indo-Pak clash: humdinger, nailbiting, amazing, waddagame etc etc.,
Today, I decided to put myself in the shoes of some certain popular people, and see how they woulda reacted to the game.

1) Atalji Behariji Vajpayee: Aaj ke is Bharat Pakistan ke cricket pratiyogita mein jo Bharath ka pradarshan raha hai woh ati prashansa yogya hai Bharat ke is prashansaneeya jeet se humein zaroor umeed hai ki BAJPA ko aur seetein milengi.

2) Soniaji Gandhiji: Si Signor, My son, daughter and son-in-law, cheered so effectively, that Nehra sent a wonderful last over!! Infact Nehra is related to me (Nehru, Nehra)!! I will send my son and daughter to India games so that they keep winning. mamma mia!!!

3) Ravi Shastri and Wasim Akram: Ladies and gentleman, I am Shaz and he is Waz. We have with us here, the glorious, beautiful Kristine Ahuja, who is going to analyze her statistics.... er... her version of the statistics of this match. Hi Kristine.
KA: Hi Shaz, Hi waz, may I tell you that that u guys are awesome. I find Imran Nazir very cute. Pity he dint score too much. I find Laxman great too... and loved his innings.
Waz: Er.. Kristine... they dint play the game... but u r right.. they played great!
KA: Waz, have you taken more wickets than that awesomely cute Irfan Khan, what a last over he bowled today!!!!..............

4) Navjot Singh Sidhu: Well my dear friends.. we had a thriller of a match. My nails are as small as the cheek cells we see in biology lab slides. India hit the Pakis like salman Khan hit Shakti Kapoor in Andaaz Apna Apna. The Pakistanis, led by their captain, like Osama Bin Laden leading the Al Qaeda, put up a brave fight, like Duryodhana fighting Bheema, but despite the Lord Miandad giving them tips, could not deliver the final killing blow like the tired blacksmith who is ust one blow away from finishing the smelting. The Pakistanis would have felt like the woman who is about to orgasm, but then sees that her partner has already orgasmed! ;)

5) K. Srikkanth: Shoaib AKhtar is only a paper tiger. Arre mein bolta hai.. Miandad haath hilane ko kaafi hai.... aur Inzamam-Haq.. achcha batsman tho hai par har match pe khelne ko nahi sakta. Let me tell you one thing Charu, India har match mein 350 maarega... aur all matches mein closely jeetega....

6) Chris McDonald (TEN Sports CEO): I won't give Doordarshan any rights to cover the match unless they give me $100 mn, and put the TEN Sports Logo and show our ads! We paid millions of dollars to the PCB and we want to earn back every cent of it, whatever gives. Was it a great game? In what sense? I dint watch it!!

7) K S Sarma (Prasar Bharati chief executive) I won a moral victory in the court. I am going to show the Karachi ODI, the Rawalpindi ODI etc without paying a paisa. I am pleased with my devotion to the nation. Maybe Vajpayee or Soniaji might let me fight the elections. Great Game? Which one? India beat Pakistan.. that is too good yaar!!!

2004-03-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

Blogging and its advantages

A number of people have asked me why I should have a blog. Well, after much thought, I decided to go ahead and list the top 10 reasons here.

Why have a blog Reason no 10 : It improves your typing speed. I am sure in the last 2 weeks or so I have been blogging, my typing speed has gone up from 45 characters per minute to 45 and a half characters per minute

Why have a blog Reason no 9 : It improves your familiarity with your keyboard. The best example is this sentence, which I have written with my eyes closed ;)

Why have a blog Reason no 8 : It helps you have an interesting conversation with your mind. Lotsa times it becomes difficult for me to decide what to write about. At that point I ping my mind and start having interesting conversations with him. Usually what you see here is a transcript of that conversation!! :)

Why have a blog Reason no 7 : It helps you have interesting conversations over the lunch table. Well, I dont really need to say more about this. My somewhat frivolous and often sensible posts are topics people love to discuss about!! ;)

Why have a blog Reason no 6 : It helps turn on the creativity in the bloggers mind. All you need to do is look at my blog which talks about Guinea Pigs from sub tropical forests, and you know what I am talking about. :)

Why have a blog Reason no 5 : It helps you with usage of wonderful and hitherto unknown words of the English language. Check my post on 29th of Feb for more details :)

Why have a blog Reason no 4 : It helps you get a better perspective of goings on. Although I have never done it before, there are viewpoints/opinions I have of events/ppl and when i feel like boring you, I will start analysing them out here!!

Why have a blog Reason no 3 : It gives you a fan club. I dont have one yet, or maybe I do have a club consisting of one member at least, but the more my mind turns itself on, the more fans I am likely to get :)

Why have a blog Reason no 2 : It gives you discipline. I have blogged every night... and though I forgot to blog in office today, I have come home to do it. Ok.. fine, I came online for other reasons, but well, I am blogging!! :)

Why have a blog Reason no 1 : It is a perfect way to pain juntaa... ask them to read some of my blogs.. and you will know what I am talking about!! :D

Wel, I hope this convinces the rest of you to start a blog and pain me as much I pain you!! :D

--Avi

2004-03-10T05:01:00.000-08:00

Communication

Today, information travels as fast as physics allows it to. So jets are out, optic fibres and thin air(for wireless communication) are in. So a very logical question follows: Is fastest means of communication the most convenient means of communication?

Today, if your boss is onsite, he sends an e-mail saying this is the problem, rectify it ASAP, and to make sure u read that mail calls up your mobile for good measure. So even if it 3a.m in the night, if you got orders, you have to rush to office to rectify it "ASAP".

Imagine the scenario some 15 years ago. Boss discovers problems onsite, writes a letter and sends it through FedEx addressed to you. U dont hv a mobile, so he has no way of reaching you. Meanwhile the letter arrives the 3 days later, and that too during office hours coz Fedex doesn't deliver after office hours, and you can then tackle the issue aaram se, and send a letter to your boss ,giving the status. Then wait till he receives it and responds. Man, life woulda been so easy!!

So is speeding up of communication really desirable?

--Avi

2004-03-09T09:23:00.000-08:00

Quizzes and connections

When in IIT, the most amusing event used to be the main quiz. It was not too different from a class, where only the front benchers (the participants) seemed to know what the quiz master was talking about. Audience were usually as ignorant as my friend Somu is ignorant about the basic facts of errr... life!! :)

The questions that used to fascinate me most were the Connects. Connect the Incas of Machu Pichu with John Abraham's left nostril, connect Govinda's attire in Bhikhari no 1 with Bill Gate's secretary's hair color. These used to be the kinda connects that we came across. The answers used to be equally vague, for example, the answer for the first one could be that John Abraham pierced his left nostril with the same instrument that was used by a priest of Xichualand to shave is hair, and he probably would hv smuggled this instrument from his travels to the mountains of Peru where the Incas lived!!! Huh!!!!!

These kinda Q/A's used to set me thinking about possible connect questions:

Connect the Wizard of Oz to Manisha Koirala!!
In the story Wizard of Oz Dorothy gets blown away to Oz when Kansas city is enveloped in a huge twister--> Twister is a movie by Jan de Bont-> who also directed the movie Speed-> Speed stares Keanu Reeves-> Who stars in Matrix-> Matrix in Math reminds us of Kramer's rule for solving equations->Kramer, of course, reminds us of a famous movie called Kramer v/s Kramer->which was remade in Hindi with the name Akele Hum Akele Tum-> which stars Manisha Koirala in a lead role. Connection completed!!! :D

Connect Pamela Anderson to the James Watt:
This connection gives the listener a major shock->shocks are usually caused by electricity and is measured in Volts-> when the product of voltage and current is taken, power is obtained whose unit is Watt :) One more circuit... oops.... connection completed!! :)

--Avi

2004-03-08T05:24:00.000-08:00

Today is Women's Day. Why we have such a day when there is no simlar day for men is an unanswered question!

Its a big irony that, the world talks about woman upliftment, but its the men who are always at a disadvantage. Have we ever seen a bus which has a men's seat? A lady is allowed to sit anywhere in a bus, while a guy has committed nothing short of sacrilege my invading into the precious privacy of a lady's seat in a bus. Similarly, have we seen a men's queue? a men's compartment?

The loo is the only place where men can claim that they have something of their own!

When women have so many great privileges, than pray tell me, why we still talk about women upliftment? George Orwell, in his book, the Animal Farm, quoted, "All animals are equal, but some are more equal than the others". Maybe womenfolk, who are baying for equality of the sexes, should go through this comment and realize that they have(through hook or by crook) become more equal than us menfolk, and should concentrate more on other things that they are good at and good for!!!

--Avi

P.S: These views are mostly mine, some borrowed from frustrated people in a ticket counter having a separate ladies queue, some borrowed from perpetually pained passengers Blue Line Buses of Delhi/Pallava Transport of Madras.. etc etc...

2004-03-05T06:20:00.000-08:00

In Hindi movies, there is this very very oft repeated and cliched line...
Mein Zindagi bhar Intezaar karoonga....

What exactly does this mean? That the guy/gal is prepared to wait a lifetime for something/somebody. If you look at it in chronological/logical manner, it just doesnt make any sense.

At the end of this "Zindagi Bhar period", the guy/gal is gonna die. One he/she dies, then he/she doesnt exist and well, whats there to wait for? So is there any point in waiting? U might as well ditch waiting and be happy and look at newer frontiers, other than wasting your life for somebody who, at the worst case, will come only after u die!!!!

Another oft repeated and cliched line not just in movies, but in real life too, is an elders aashirvaad to a married woman. Now what I say here is gonna be a bit controversial so steel yourself.
"Sada Suhaagan Raho"
There are 2 cases where a married woman can be Sada Suhaagan
1) She dies before her husband. So does this mean the aashirvaad is actually a way of wishing for a shorter lifespan for the woman?
2) The husband dies, but the lady is no longer married to him. In this case is the aashirvaad is actually a clever guise for a wish to destroy the marriage?

There is a third case too.... which epitomizes the the 3rd very cliched line in Hindi movies "Jeeyenge saath saath aur marenge saath saath". But the probability that the blesser is actually wishing for this is a poor .33333 as compred to .666667 for the other 2 cases put together. Think about it!!!!

Well, I guess the last 2 posts had an overdose of humour, so to compensate I have wrapped this post with an overdose of seriousness!! People, who are scandalized by this post, phorgive me, and other who are willing to debate are most welcome to leave their /* */'s !!!

--Avi

2004-03-04T08:28:00.000-08:00

Unexpectedly, I had to take a break yesterday. There were 2 reasons for it:
1) I had a little bit too much work to sit and write a blog
2) I decided to give people time to assimilate and understand my previous blog before I go ahead and write a new one! :)

I am a JAM enthusiast, and have participated in many a JAM competition. U wont find too many trophies in my cabinet saying 1st Prize JAM blah blah competition, but my previous blog should be proof enough of how much an enthusiast I am.

To further prove that, I am gonna analyze some JAM topics for the next few days.

Let me start with the Amma of all JAM topics. It goes something like this:
"She offered me her honor, I honored her offer
So all night, I was off her and on her"

Considering the level of decency that I have promised to maintain here, I wont venture too deep into this topic, lest I find myself in a hole!!! Also, the pen is faster than the keyboard, and all i need is a few strokes of the pen on paper, to write a lot on this topic, but with the tool that I use, it becomes very hard to ejaculate the substance from my mind. Therefore I leave the interpretation to the reader's mind! ;)

--Avi

2004-03-02T05:38:00.000-08:00

Since I seem to have lots of time in life today, let me get to talking gibberish!
Dictionary.com defines gibberish as
gib·ber·ish (jbr-sh) n.
1) Unintelligible or nonsensical talk or writing.
2) Highly technical or esoteric language.
3) Unnecessarily pretentious or vague language.

Therefore, sentences like "Avinash Iyer is a terrible bore" or "I am trying to work around the problem by introducing a fifth dimension resonating quantum wave into the interference pattern caused by the cylindro-conical movements of the bowel due to a sixth degree laxative addition in the digestive system of a guinea pig found in the sub-tropical forests of Xichualand." are good examples of gibberish.
These 2 sentences are an example of the first meaning given above.

For examples of gibberish of the second kind..... click here or here . These links would lead to literature that are too technical, and also unintelligible (double gibberish???).

Talking about gibberish in the technical sense, an IT professional likes me earns his bread by visiting and trying in vain to understand links like the ones above. So much that, he becomes an expert gibberer ("she"s are born gibberers). Take a sample statement that I would typically encounter in a day, "Hey dude, all you have to do is introduce a design pattern by imbibing a top-down waterfall approach. code this procedure using the above appraoch and when you are midway coming down from the top, change tack and use facade pattern and start the bottom-up approach". Woah!!!!! For some techies that might make sense.... but for me (incidentally ppl like me are classified under the category techie-from-far-but-far-from-techie) it makes as much sense as laxatives on a sub-tropical guinea pig from Xichualand!!

The third kind of gibberish, is the kinda thing you would hear on a space ship without your Babel Fish. Example of this could be "Wufawufawufawa wafuwafuwafuwafuwu hijeshiheshijeshijeshas". This actually means, "I am trying to work around the problem by introducing a fifth dimension resonating quantum wave into the interference pattern caused by the cylindro-conical movements of the bowel due to a sixth degree laxative addition in the digestive system of a guinea pig found in the sub-tropical forests of Xichualand." in a vague language spoken by ancient Incas of Machu Pichu!

But, this kinda gibberish is relative. What maybe gibberish for one, may not be gibberish for another. My friend Ramkumar understands and converses using phrases like "Tugawuga tagapiga tiggubiggu makkashakka". An entire continent (Australia)also converses using the same kinda gibberish and try telling the world that "Fowr Gawssake, I aym speykin English maite".. yeah right!!!!!

Shakku pilla disufgas akhopakhthor, dilloyuwetert pashtijanitos.
That means "Thats enough gibberish for the day, see you with more tomorrow!!" in a vague dialect of Tulu :)

--Avi

2004-03-02T01:16:00.000-08:00

One person in a public forum once raised a very interesting question. It went something like this:

I want to make ice cream.
I followed one manual.
The manual is not easily understandable.
so i am not able to follow it after half away.
then i looked for another .. it too have the same problem.
then i followed many.

Finally i decided not to make ice creams at all ..

now where is the problem ..

1. ICE CREAM
2. MANUALS
3. My inability to understand manuals.

This is a classic query which anyone writing documentation will one day encounter. It is valid in almost all industries. Being in this co for close to 2 years now, and watching and following plenty of correspondence from my CTO and others, it was practically impossible for me not to comment on this problem.

The query has pointed out 3 different components which could have gone wrong.

1) The Ice Cream: They can never be a problem unless the reader is suffering from diabetes or cold... so we can rule them out.. unless, of course, manual is written in Zambeki where the word Ice Cream actually means Freshly Fried Fish Liver or something!!! and the reader gave up because the Ice Cream tasted fishy!

2) Manual: A recipe book (or manual as it is referred here) is not too different from a user guide that we software blokes package with every product.Now a user guide has to be written keeping the reader in mind. What it means is that a person from Mars who knows English (or Zambeki for that matter), but has no idea what an ice cream is, should be able to make Ice cream successfully after reading this manual. So a lot of research has to go into the targeted audience of this product, in our case, the ice cream maker. Therefore any user guide, that a user does not understand fully, is not good enough, and the manufacturers (authors, publisher, proofreader etc etc.,) haven't done their job properly.

3) User's inability to understand the document: Well, if a user guide is well written this situation should not arise. But there is a possibility that the Martian may not know English, or he has mugged up the whole dictionary without mugging Wren and Martin. In this situation, the manufacturer cannot do anything.... well he can do something.. While advertising the guide, he can put in fine print that the user is assumed to hv mugged the whole dictionary AND Wren and Martin to understand the whole book, seeing which, the Martian knows that the book is not for him, or he will realise that he has to mug Wren and Martin too.

Therefore the problem is invariably the manual. If the user is unable to understand, either the writer of the manual has forgotten to point out that its not for him/her, or its not written well enough.

2004-03-01T21:00:00.000-08:00

MY friend KNS has written a cool piece on perpetual motion engines. The gist of it is that if a cat always lands on its feet, and a buttered bread always lands with the buttered face down, what would happen if u tie a buttered bread to a cat?
Reasoning is that the body comprising of the bread and cat would keep rotating unable to decide whether the feet lands first or the butter.

There is a simpler analogy though, what if u apply butter to both the faces of a slice of bread?
theoretically, you can see perpetual motion! In the first case, the cat is a living being, and may decide that it doesn't want to land on its feet at all and hence our engine goes for a toss. But the bread was a living thing when it was growing in some fields of Punjab in the form of wheat. Since then it has died many deaths and ceased to have a mind of its own. Therefore I am sure you can see a perpetual engine by just applying butter to both the faces.

Physicists studying thermodynamics, who have spent ages trying to prove that a thing called perpetual engine doesn't exist, please look at this and KNS's blog and change your way of thinking!!

2004-02-29T02:19:00.000-08:00

Well, its a new day...

Its a new day because yesterday was the old day....

Its a new day because this particular combination of date,month and year, according to the Gregorian Calendar or waddever it is that we use, has never occurred before..... and in the mm-dd-yyyy format, may occur 10000 years from today.... of course, assuming the human race lasts that long.. also assuming that the powers to be(human or inhuman) do not change the calendar system in anticipation of what can be termed as the y10K problem.... (imagine how much money can be made in the decade 9990-9999 A.D ;-) )

But, instead of looking that far, in the mm-dd format, this day will occur only in the next Olympic year. So for the next 3 years, nonadidecofebophobists will have relatively fearless years. Of course, nondidecofebophobists may have other phobias (avinashiyeroblogophobia for instance), but at least they one less fear in their lives to contend with. By my calculations, These nondecowaddeverists will hv a long fearless time during the turn of the next 3 centuries too... So my best wishes to them!! :)

As I type this, lotsa events are going on around the world (this is in no particular reference to leap years).. The preambled war is going on between the kids of India and Pakistan in Bangladesh, Sri Lanka is battling the awesome Aussies for the last time at their home ground this season... Man U has given up trying to catch up with Arsenal, and hv now started to prefer combating for 2nd place with Chelsea methinks!

Theres another important thing thats going on... that is the composition of this Blog!! :). .As a rule I dont write on Sundays... since this particular Sunday is special and I am not a nonadidecofebophobist, I decided to bend the rule a bit.... I aint breaking it.... am only typing instead of writing!! :)

My approach to a blog is simple, transalte my thoughts into words and type them out... I wish there were a data cable from my brain to my machine... the effort of typing can be saved... Scientists/Engineers/biophycisists/binoic experts... please see if u can do something about it.... and while u r at taking requests.... perhaps u could bundle the cable with a teleporter, and an optional time machine... I would be extremely obliged!! :)

Time travel is a topic that fascinates.. Its so fascinating that I may have to devote a whole week of blogs to the topic... One fine day I may start on this topic... and will probably go on and on and on and on.... but dont worry.... I will give the readers(if any!!!!!) advance warning... !!!

Thats abt it for today... by my usual lazy standards I do seem to hv written quite a lot.... so I will spare you anymore trouble!!!

--Avi

2004-02-28T04:57:00.000-08:00

Great... I am a blogger now...
All that remains is stuff to be put here.....!!!
Well, what do I put now??? Something that should hold the readers interest....
Well I am interesting enough, so mebbe my first postig should be about me...
Pyaare Bandhuon aur Bandhiyon, brothers and their sisters.... nanbargale, namaskar, good day and vanakkam to all of you...
I am Avinash Iyer.. the terrible pain-in-the-unmentionable-parts-of-the-body (clue this part of the body rhymes with CAS)... I am sure all who know me would acknowledge that fact.... but deep within this pain-in-the-CAS, lurks a good,decent guy.... Once in a while he surfaces... but what to do even this gd guy in inherently incorrigible at times... Must hv something to do with me!! ;)

Anywayz... I am a terribly (un?)witty, (non?)brainy, (kadi joke type)humorous chap who could suddnely switch from being a terribly painful guy to an oh-cho-chweet-cho-nich-of-you kinda chap within seconds... I love interacting with ppl and ppl dread interacting with me.... ;)
I can make an argument outta anything and a joke outta everything else.... I love arguing for the most idiotic things and hv been succesful in raising doubts in the firmest of believers...
I love India, Hindi movies, Indian Music, Mohd Rafi and Kishore Kumar (not necessarily in that order)... Above most of them I love the game of cricket
and the subject of mathematics....
I hate ppl who r something else, but show themselves as someone else. I hate Kumar Sanu, Osama Bin Laden, Godmen and environment destroyers (order is irrelevant here)..
Thats, in a nutshell, is me....
I hope this does make u ppl come back for more.... (if the more comes that is)..

This space is actually gonna consist of lotsa things that pass thro my head everyday.. I would select those things which can be translated into English/Tamil/Hindi words and put them here.... trust me my head has lotsa junk and it all needs some outlet... so here it is!! :)

So till the next time i make my presence felt.... bubyee.... and take care of yourself

-Avi